I DID IT!!!!
I GRADUATED MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!
Is it weird that I was actually kind of sad about leaving?
Hear me out.
First of all, it was a new school for me because I left my previous middle school for being like the only black kid. I swear it was a school for trolls. The pandemic hit by the time I switched schools and my new school had just finished being built. But because of the pandemic, I didn't get to spend much time there until the end of the school year. I swear I went from being a sixth grader to graduating middle school in a blink of an eye.
The school though, was amazing! I finally got a locker that I never got to use. my teachers were awesome! We even had a courtyard that I never got to be in until the last day. I had drive by friends. Hi and Byes real quick like. I have no idea what they look like without their masks. I could walk past any of them in the streets and I wouldn't know a thing. 🤷🏽♂️
mentoring, and education. For years he has worked to help people access opportunities, knowledge, and counsel. Through this commitment, he developed a special passion to help young men. His time as an administrator at an all-boys middle school, working as director of an all-boys mentoring program, and decades of community work with young men have inspired him to provide as many tools as possible for boys to navigate adulthood. Adding a focus on boys to an already overwhelming concern to help the community has inspired him to create opportunities to assist those trying to handle the challenges of life. Horace was born and raised in New York and currently resides in Connecticut.
INTERVIEW WITH HORACE HOUGH
- What inspired you to write this book?
The simple answer? After years of working with boys from different backgrounds, I noticed that many of them struggled with the same societal challenges. I wanted to create a handbook to help them through those struggles.
The long origin story? For some time, I served as a Vice Principal at an all-boys middle school. One of the students was sent to the office for using profanity towards the teacher. He told me that the teacher blamed him for something he did not do. I asked what that had to do with his behavior. He said something like, you mean to tell me that I just have to sit there and take if she’s blaming me for something I didn’t do? I said something like, well, you can’t do what you did! He looked utterly confused. That is when I asked, “why don’t you know thi…” I trailed off because I realized that he had no one to talk to him about what is considered appropriate behavior for a 5 foot 5, deep-voiced boy who doesn’t realize he looks like a man. That’s when I said, “You know what? I’m going to write you a handbook!
- Did you have a strong male figure in your life growing up? If no, when did you realize how important it was to have one and when did you began transitioning into what you believe a man to be? If yes, What are some of the greatest lessons you’ve learned from him?
Yes, unlike many of my friends and most of the boys I have served, I had a present and loving father at home. The older I get, the more I realized how “blessed” I was and am to have had his example. Listing the greatest lessons is difficult. It’s like asking about the G.O.A.T. in sports or music. However, I will give you 6 things that got me through high school.
One – Know who you are before anyone else has a chance to convince you otherwise.
Two – You don’t have to be aggressive to be respected.
Three – acting on your anger rarely leads to anything good.
Four – Always think, plan, and strategize for your long-term goals.
Five – Be reliable, loyal, and let your reputation do the talking.
Six – You don’t have to shy away from recognition, but please don’t look for it.
- What kind of advice can you give a teen boy with no father figure entering high school for the first time with other hormonal teens? How can one survive and stay above it all?
All of my previous answers would be included in the advice. However, I would add a couple of things. Spend time recognizing the culture of high school. Who are the cliques? Who are the friends? What are their behaviors? Who are their enemies? Be pleasant, but observe your environment and learn who’s who. Keep your anger in check. Please recognize peer pressure when it comes. Doing that allows you to be honest about why you want to do whatever it may be. Acknowledge when acting on your feelings is not in your best interest. That kind of honesty will keep you out of foolish situations.
- What kinds of things did you struggle with as a teen and how did you overcome them?
Anger was my number one issue. Without a strong community of family and good examples, I may have ended up in a different place in life. Yet, here is the thing: Anger is usually not the original emotion. Something else comes first that leads to anger. My anger came from sadness (due to some major losses in my life), insecurity, and of course, testosterone.
- What kind of advice would you give a teen boy who feels they have way too much going on? What’s the best way to just take a break and catch a breath and take it all in? And do you feel we need to ALWAYS be busy with something?
Firstly, find an outlet to express your frustration. That could be done through writing, counselling, art, etc. Secondly, build supportive relationships with friends and family. You may not always need to talk about what’s going on, but you can benefit from being around people you know that care.
Sometimes, you cannot take a break. Life can be rude and inconsiderate when it comes to your schedule. It does not care about your plans, your vacation ideas, your summer schedule, or if you need a break. That is why having support around you is vital. You need to be able to find comfort inside your storms.
No. We don’t always need to be busy. Busyness can be a great distraction. So, if you need a distraction, well…be busy. Play a game. play a sport. Whatever. Just do not let it get in the way of your responsibilities. On the other hand, sometimes we also need silence to figure things out. We need to plan, think, be honest with ourselves, etc. Always being busy can be a bad crutch that helps men run away from themselves. Be brave and face yourself.
- What are your deepest thoughts about a man crying and the secrecy we seem to have to have with our emotions? (Meaning society's ideas of what a strong emotionless man looks like and how expressing ourselves openly doesn’t fit the social norm for masculinity).
I must answer this on two fronts:
One - I don’t think that anyone should be ashamed of crying, and no one should feel superior to someone else because they don’t cry. We cry because of pain, sadness, grief, sometimes happiness, anger, etc. For me, the big issue with men is not whether they cry or not, it is if they admit that they are in pain, are sad, etc. If it shows up through crying…fine. If it shows up in silence…fine. But be honest.
Two – Now that I have said that, sadly our society still does not know what to do when men show emotions other than happiness and anger (this goes for men and women). So, we should be aware of who sees us in that place. It can be weaponized against us, it can make us a target, and it can make us seem weak to people who believe that way. Having a safe space is very important. For some boys, that is their mother. For some, it is a friend. For others, it is a guidance counsellor, coach, teacher, or youth worker. You need to be able to feel what you feel without judgement. At the school, when I would see a young man about to cry in front of other boys…I would immediately send him to my office. Everyone thought he was in trouble, but I just wanted to give him a space to cry it out without being judged or ridiculed by everyone else. There were other men who would say suck it up - and that has it place - but there must be balance. When I was sure the young man was done crying, after I gave him tissues and the like, I would not send him back out until he looked normal and had it together. From there, I would check on him throughout the day. To this day, those boys – many who are now men – still talk to me because I protected and supported them through acknowledging that although crying is fine, everyone does not think so.
- Speaking of emotions, I am wondering what you think the best way to share your emotions with women and how to command respect without being aggressive if they belittle, disregard, or minimize your feelings?
Lol. This one is not that hard to answer, it is just hard to do. The best way to share your emotions with women is simply to be brave enough to do it. That is the first step. Many boys and men never get past feeling too intimidated to do so. Now, if you struggle to find the words to describe emotions, then speak from your head rather than your heart. Describe what you are experiencing as if you were telling someone about what your friend was experiencing. Many boys have a much better developed analytical vocabulary than emotional one.
Regarding being belittled and having your feelings disregarded or minimized, to that question there is no easy answer. That is because being treated that way has little to do with you and much more to do with them. People who disregard boys’ feelings, are either a product of stereotypical teaching themselves, they don’t trust that you are being honest, or they don’t think that a “kid” understands struggle. So, unless the issue is that you always complain and they think you are “crying wolf,” it is an issue that is fairly out of your hands. When this is the case and you can’t convince them of your pain, you may need to find a new safe space.
- Can you recommend 3 books?
I do not have any middle grade/high school recommendations, but I do have some thoughts considering our discussion about boys and men. How about the classic play A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry? Note: focus on the development of Walter Younger. For people who are different, I also like Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. And my recent favorite, Ta-Nehisi Coates The Water Dancer.
- Are you working on any new books? If so, can you tell me a bit about them?
I’m working on a few projects simultaneously right now, but I’ll share with you that I’m creating the Mom’s Guide to 8 Things. It is not a book to tell moms how to parent. That is none of my business. It is a Guide to 8 Things. With this project, I am talking to the mother about what I wrote to the son. I am also giving her tips and ideas on how to encourage his growth considering all the things he may be battling. Although, after this interview, many of your questions have highlighted things that I may need to put in my next book.
- What are your goals as an author?
Honestly, I am a novelist at heart, hence, all the stories preceding the chapters. My ultimate goal is to write novels. However, when it comes to non-fiction like 8 Things, my goal is to help whomever I can. As simple as that may sound, that is it. I just want to help where I can.
2 comments:
I’m really proud of you Jay. This is awesome!!! And like everything else in your life, you’ll do just fine. Keep going and always stay true to you. ❤️
Wow Jay , I am proud of you as well this is amazing, you are amazing. God bless you my grandson
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